Self-Esteem and Self-worth
Amazingly many people who come to see me for tarot and reiki are suffering some type of self-worth or self-esteem issue. They cannot see the bright shining light within them, that I can see the moment they walk through my gates. It’s amazing how many women (because 99 per cent of my clientele are women) believe they are less valuable than others, regardless of their age bracket. This saddens me, and yet I know firsthand how it feels to be less, and the amount of work it takes to overcome.
As you know, I’m very open and honest about my journey in life and I don’t mind sharing snippets with you, because I feel that by opening up I can help in some small way.
I grew up as the ‘fat’ kid. You might remember in school there was always at least one FAT kid, who the others picked on and made fun of. In high school that fat girl was last on the list for a date etc. Well I was that girl. Although I hid my pain through being happy and jolly all the time, I always, always felt LESS than the other girls and so I came to believe (unfortunately) that by having a ‘boyfriend’ I would be ‘whole’. It was my mission to find a boyfriend so I would feel ‘accepted’ and ‘complete’. Already it was ingrained in me that ‘outside’ acceptance is what I required, not knowing it should come from within.
What made my case worse is I never had much of an ‘identity’. I really didn’t know who I was because I always felt ‘less than’ others. I had an extremely bossy sister, a father who was a bully, domineering and nothing was ever good enough for him, and a mother so meek she couldn’t speak up for herself. Then there was me, a fat, overweight child/teenager/young woman with no-one able to teach me during my formative years, that I was GOOD ENOUGH just as I was. How can people who don’t know themselves, teach a child they are beautiful, lovable and marvellous just as they are. Therefore, it’s no wonder I required this validation of me as a person from outside sources. Which or course for a fat kid, doesn’t come, what comes is a life time of teasing/insults and put downs that reinforces the negative self-concept. I never realised that I could feel marvellous and wonderful by loving myself.
When in grade 12 and my final year of high school I found my Mr. Right. He was in his early 20’s and was a cabinet maker. He seemed to love me just the way I was, and so I was suddenly complete!! Someone LOVED ME for just being ME!!!! My whole self-worth/self-esteem was based on having someone love me for being fat. Isn’t that sad – and yet was very much my truth. I didn’t understand any of the psychology that was going on, but who would at that age?
This boyfriend and I were inseparable, even through my first year of Uni. Then I began to lose weight (because suddenly he and his mother decided I’d be so much prettier if I lost weight) so again, to keep him loving me, I did things to please him and managed to lose 20 kg’s and was feeling and looking brilliant. This wonderful man, who supposedly loved me completely and utterly, dumped me because according to him, other guys were now looking at me. I COULDN’T WIN!!!!
WOWZERS!!!! My whole entire ‘world’ was wrapped up in this man’s love and acceptance of me. Now I had nothing!!! I was nothing!!! For someone with self-esteem and self-worth issues from childhood because of weight issues, with a skinny sister who, most of my life used to tease me with “jelly wobble on plate” I suddenly had NOTHING. My world came crashing down around me in a way I can’t describe, and for people with no self-worth issues or concerns this story may not impact you emotionally….’big deal you may say. There are plenty more fish in the sea.” For those who have struggled with self-esteem issues you may feel the utter devastation and wreckage this break up caused. I felt worthless.
Needless to say, the weight loss didn’t last long because suddenly, being slender and skinny wasn’t good enough either!! I was dumped because of being so attractive and so in my depths of despair I couldn’t maintain my weight loss. It crept back on and I became even heavier. What a confused young woman I was, with no direction at all and no sense or understanding that my own sense of worth must come from ME!!! It will never come from anyone else. The younger we learn this – the better off society will become.
I’m now 37 and I still struggle with weight issues although I’m happy to say I’m now within my healthy weight boundaries. It’s been up and down and it’s been this way my entire life. At my heaviest I was 120kgs around 2007 and I will never return to that weight. I can admit I became so huge because I struggled to find my self-worth and self-esteem; and don’t’ forget; thrown into this mix was my struggle with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder/Depression/Anxiety. None of it helped, and to be honest it wasn’t until I began my spirituality quest that I truly began to believe in myself.
Reiki and my tarot reading is what helped me beyond anything else. It gave me a purpose and it gave me a reason to keep digging deep and finding a way of life that helped me to feel marvellous. I LOVED everything ‘energy’ related and I could talk for hours and hours about the work that I do and the people that I meet. So I suggest to everyone going through self-worth issues, find something that makes your heart light up, and begin to focus on that and to become good at that. Do some courses on self-esteem or listen to meditations that help with self-worth (of which I have created in my Meditation Wellness pack). For me personally, it was reiki and tarot reading that benefited me the most.
Slowly and surely my entire life began to transform and I am now confident and sound enough in myself to not let things affect me as much as they once did. The development of my Reiki Mastership skills has helped beyond anything else, as well as meeting the right spiritual people for me. I’ve connected with so many brilliant people in the past 6 months who have helped me and encouraged me and believed in me….and yet my self-worth does not lie with their ‘approval’ (as once it would have)… they’ve just helped me to break through my need to have people ‘like’ me, and to know I’m still worthwhile even if people don’t appreciate me. I used to struggle with people not liking me – not any more.
I’m not perfect, and last year before this further ‘work’ on understanding myself more deeply, was done, I did have a few ‘setbacks’. A person rejected me from joining a project based on her projections/assumptions about me, and my response to that rejection was not inspiring or kind because of the overwhelming and unbearable pain it brought forth. I was still dealing with ‘rejection’ and “self-worth” issues – the hurt was unbearable, and so I lashed out. I guess it was more painful because the ‘judgement’ came from someone who I held in such high esteem and loved like a soul sister. She meant the world to me and so to be rejected was crushing especially as it was knee jerk reaction based on her own wrong assumptions about who and what I was. I guess that’s the joy of being a damaged soul, where my ‘self-worth and self-esteem’ was based on her acceptance of me. She rejected me and so I was reduced to NOTHING again. Powerful emotions come to the forefront when someone is rejected by a person they care deeply about. I was crushed and the pain was almost as intense as the breakup with that first serious boyfriend. Now I realise it was a beautiful lesson and a gift in my continued development.
Unfortunately, many other people, not involved in the scenario, ‘rejected’ me after this woman told her story. None spoke to me or gathered facts/information from me. I had done nothing to them what-so-ever and so that also hurt so very much at the time. It was a good way for me to learn I still had work to do on myself because of the pain I felt from their snub.
NOW, I have forgiven everyone involved and I can now thank them, because my self-worth/self-esteem is no longer caught up in them accepting me. If people choose to base an opinion on an individual solely on another person’s account, and not their own experience, that’s not my problem. It says more about them. I don’t want to learn from or associate with people like this. I like to base my opinions on personal experience. I think it’s sad that people don’t use their own experiences to determine who/what is right for them.
Moving on, why should I allow the people who cut me off and ostracise me, to affect me? I know my reasons and my story. They don’t and they have chosen not to enquire and gather more information before condemning me. It’s their choice and it makes me NO LESS of a person. I won’t chase people for acceptance because I am awesome as I am – faults and all. Why try to change people’s impressions/assumptions when they’ve already made up their mind. I am happy, especially now with my remarkable movement forward in acceptance of myself, precisely as I am. I love me.
During retrograde, many of you may remember last year, I was having all sorts of email issues. Emails were going all over the place. Hotmail was going berserk and somehow people who were deleted from my contact list were receiving mail. Junk mail seemed to be sent from my account as well, which I didn’t send. I was so frustrated. Telstra and Hotmail were contacted and I was in the middle of getting it sorted, when I received an abusive email from a male who was no longer on my email list. Gosh the abuse was dangerous especially coming from a ‘work’ email address. In the past with my self-esteem and self-worth issues, it would have sent me into a spiral of despair and depression. Being abused for something beyond my control!
I sent his partner a text message the next day asking for them to add my email address to their blocked list, to stop the emails. I explained the email problems I was having. I received an abrupt message from her, threatening that she’d to go to the police because I was harassing them!!
WOW… I was dumbstruck. Instantly I felt sorrow for this couple. I felt this message came from ego. I couldn’t care less about them (after the treatment I had received from them) and they truly thought I was sending them intentional emails. Like I had singled them out on purpose??? Everyone was receiving emails left, right and centre. Some of you may recall this period of time and the apology emails sent regularly until it was fixed!
What could I say to a person coming from ego??? I didn’t have the energy or inclination to explain that the police don’t deal with Hotmail issues or spamming and that I had all the evidence under the sun that I was dealing with it. Goodness, why didn’t this couple ad my email address, to their blocked list ages ago, if the emails were such a problem to them? Why wasn’t I ever contacted to ask for no contact to be made? I had no idea there was a problem, as I’d never received any communication. I may read the tarot cards but I don’t read minds.
The moral of the story is my self-esteem and self-worth had increased so much that this incident didn’t upset or even dampen my spirit. I knew I had done nothing wrong!!! It actually showed me how far I had come. I genuinely felt sorry for them; they thought my attention was solely on them when the truth was I hadn’t thought about them for ages. I said to myself; “thank goodness I am not the only one who has issues!! And I hope they recognise theirs”
In the past this incident would have affected me very, very negatively. My self-esteem and self-worth would have plummeted. However, through my hard work and self-development, thankfully I could ‘write’ this ego driven incident off. No-one else reacted negatively to the spam emails so why did this couple feel they were ‘especially” receiving them? Ego? I sent them love, light and harmony and truly wished them well. I could also ‘thank’ them for showing me how far I’d come in gaining back my self-worth.
Every single person has issues. Every person you meet, come across and deal with has issues. Some just hide them better than others. Some wear their hearts on their sleeves whilst others bury their problems deep, so people can’t see them. Regardless, everyone has some sort of issue they are dealing with in life… so it’s my advice to be gentle with people and to be gentle with yourself. Try not to threaten them as this is coming from fear and not love.
Overcoming self-esteem and self-worth concerns is not easy; however kindness and love are essential, towards yourself and the people you come into contact with throughout your day. You never know what the person is going through, who you see on the bus, who serves you at the shop or who delivers your mail. Everyone is going through something and it would help all our self-worth by being kind to ourselves and other people. In some way, I guess this blog marries up with the forgiveness blog from last week. With love, forgiveness and kindness, we can all reach our potential and believe in ourselves.
We can all overcome others not liking, accepting and including us in their groups. We can all stand tall, knowing we are ENOUGH, just as we are, and fully believe it.
I am only one example. There are millions of other people who have overcome self-worth and self-esteem issues. Are you willing to do the work to believe in YOU? I suggest you start by investing in some courses such as Reiki; books to read such as Louise Hay, and other positive things to increase the value you place in yourself. YOU CAN DO IT!
I wish you every success under the sun.
Love, light and harmony
(Tarot and Reiki Master/Teacher)